Recovery While Navigating Myriad New Normals... and a Holiday Season
By Colleen Baker, LCSW | HEALers Circle Chair
It seems that a topic has come up in almost every session I’ve had this week with clients: motivation. Whether it’s motivation for socializing, motivation for finding new routes to success or dusting off old ones, motivation for recovery, motivation to spend time with family during the holidays, or motivation to simply keep moving forward through this year... everyone seems to be navigating a reality that has been leering upon us for months but has recently become abundantly clear: what we thought was just a “temporary” change has now become a new normal. We are, understandably, feeling the deeply seeded effects of a pandemic that has defined the last nine months of all of our lives and does not seem to have an end in sight. But just how much of an impact have these trepidatious months of 2020 had on us? Especially for those of you in eating disorder recovery? And especially as we enter the holiday season? Well, let’s think about that.
When we reflect upon how we socialize, we likely wind up noticing a common thread of the human experience: shared locations and shared goals or shared routines equal out to friendship and connection. For those of you who have been shifted to an entirely virtual school experience, you no longer have those play rehearsals, debate meetings, or first period sleepy English classes to relate with each other about in the same way. No high fives in the hall, chats over lunch or, (if you have a high school experience similar to what mine was) hanging out in the music wing reviewing the latest choir piece for your next concert. And for us virtual workers, there is no commonality surrounding water cooler talk, grabbing coffee between meetings, or rushing off to a date at the end of your 9 to 5. After months of limited human interaction and fear becoming a regular part of our daily reality, it is understandable that you might be feeling a bit disconnected, anxious, or even uncomfortable when catching up with friends with whom you typically share a very common thread.
Without the thread that binds you together leading the charge, it’s likely that this might create some separation within your connections. And even if a friendship is not reliant upon a common goal or shared work setting, it’s possible that you are feeling a bit out of practice after months of attempting to maintain a connected world from behind a computer screen or from 6 feet away while masked.
It is also reasonable to imagine that noticing these shifts might make you feel like an easy target for self doubt or self blame, asking yourself something along the lines of “why am I being so awkward?” Talk like this has a way of leading those struggling with downward spirals of negative self-talk and bringing us to the specific element of recovery from an eating disorder, even potentially urging the use of a behavior in order to feel more in control, punishing yourself or as a result of lowered mood and anxiety. I would imagine that none of this feels particularly motivating.
So much of our identity, main motivators, and impulses to take charge of our days come from the routines we’ve deliberately developed over time. Who are we without a social calendar or a goal we’ve set at work? How do we find interest in getting off the couch where we’ve been watching The Crown for five straight hours when it feels unclear what is telling us we need to? And, most importantly, how do we prioritize our mental health and recovery process when the external stimuli usually there to motivate and empower are now at a safe social distance?
My short answer is simply that you do not need to make the most of a global pandemic. Period. This need not be your personal renaissance.
My long answer is something along the lines of the following. We are not wired to manage this amount of change in such a short amount of time. We are not meant to build human connection through a screen or say a painful goodbye to loved ones through an iPhone. We did not see this coming and we certainly never imagined the possible impact this could have on so many lives or our main sense of identity and motivation. I have clients who have seen their entire career path put on hold due to them being deemed “non-essential” and are facing the question, “well, what am I going to do now?” You don’t need to have the answer to that. But you do need to take care of yourself, whatever that may mean. Whether this is, in fact, letting Netflix know you are still watching or getting outside for some fresh air for the first time in four days, or deciding to follow your meal plan again this week, this is you practicing patience and kindness with yourself and it is necessary.
To close, while not scientifically proven due to this being our first pandemic together as a recent society, I have a pretty reasonable expectation that keeping a few of the ideas below in mind might make things even a smidge easier. I am asking you to consider the following:
Create a routine for yourself if possible, one that might involve a morning ritual such as journaling or meditating.
Had a commute before? Let’s make a commute for you now! Try allowing time in the morning to do something resembling your morning commute to get more in the headspace to start your day. While it was quite easy to complain about a commute a year ago, I’ve found many of us wishing we had that time to read, reflect, or silently listen to music at this point. Grant yourself that opportunity to gear up or decompress.
Set S.M.A.R.T. goals for yourself: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time Sensitive. If you’ve been in treatment before, you’ve likely heard of these, but this time I really want us to focus on those “realistic” and “attainable” pieces. This can be setting a bedtime of 2:00am instead of 4:00am or challenging yourself to three fear foods this week instead of two. We are going for those little wins that satisfy and create a sturdy foundation to stand on.
Be kind to yourself regarding holiday plans and navigating those family and friends that are safe, comfortable, and supportive to break bread with at a holiday meal or gathering. This is not the time to push yourself to be the social butterfly your eating disorder wants you to be. It is potentially dangerous to be around certain family members and detrimental to your mental health and recovery process to expose yourself to those who will simply bring you down.
Meal plans are the best. Truly. Come prepared. Bring snacks. Minimize obstacles. You likely have not been around this amount of family for some time. Plan accordingly.
Deep breaths. In for four, out for six. And repeat. You’ve got this.
Lean on your team if you have one. While we might be without our own families while navigating our own pandemic new norms, you are never in this alone.
Our whole team here at Project HEAL is wishing you a happy and healthy holiday season, one in which you are able to go with what feels best for you and your recovery and one that allows you to receive support however you need it. We are so deeply grateful for all of the health professionals who have given so much during this time. We are sending love and light to all of those who have lost dear ones this year and to those who have faced increased depression, anxiety, or other mental health effects of this pandemic. We truly hope you allow yourself grace as you navigate a new normal you never signed up for.