I’m Sorry I Ever Loved You
you said
you’d keep me safe
from the monsters
that haunt me at night.
said i could sit in the palm of your hand
making wishes on your fingertips,
said you’d grant them
if i listened to your every whim.
said i could survive if i just held onto your breath.
you said you'd keep me safe.
said there was safety in numbers,
so i started counting
and i haven't learned how to stop
you said you’d make my body home,
said you’d clear out
the debris and the filth,
said i’d have somewhere
safe to sleep at night.
you spoke
and i listened,
believed every fruit
hanging from your branches
was the sweetest
fruit in the world,
but every bite
was just poison
soaked in sweet juice
i know it’s wrong
to love you so fully,
to put my heart in your hands,
to feel the warmth
of your voice.
but your siren song
has a chokehold on me.
i’m sorry
that i can’t see past my own failings
and i’m sorry
that i keep running backwards,
falling over myself
like a tumbleweed
through a town
with a sign that reads
“you
are so
alone here.”
take me out of that town,
give me something to believe in
because i can’t handle
the way it feels
to walk alone at night
hearing crickets like fireworks
chirping away at my spirit
wishing they made painkillers
for the soul.
i am stuck
under everything
you ever tried to save me from.
but i know
nothing
is as painful
as a renourished body
and i know
nothing
is as painful
as feeling my heart crush
under the weight
of my own weight.
i am no longer
having fun.
you are a party
i am so tired of throwing -
too many red solo cups
littered across the yard
of my bonfire heart
that i can’t clean up in time.
i got what you wanted
and it wasn’t worth it.
so i go for walks,
trying to find my way
back to myself.
but each path
is a brick wall
that i have to climb
and my arms are so sore.
and i watch as the ocean
batters itself against the shore
too afraid
to put its feet in the sand.
am i the ocean
or am i the shore?
how do i fit into a world
constantly
trying to squeeze me out?
you said i could be
infinite.
that i could sit amongst the stars
and never fall back down to earth.
but i’m getting ready to jump.
i just hope
i can learn
how to land.
