The Thoughts That Keep Us Trapped
We all experience negative thoughts. Common among them are thoughts critical of our bodies, our likeability, and our worth. We might think “I should lose weight,” “I’m so annoying,” or “I’m bad at my job.” For those who struggle with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and eating disorders, these thoughts take on added dimensions. “I should lose weight” becomes “my body is disgusting.” “I am so annoying” becomes “no one likes me.” And “I’m bad at my job” becomes “I am a failure.” Eventually, these thoughts become as all encompassing as “I don’t deserve happiness” or “I am unworthy.” As a therapist working with individuals with eating disorders, I help people challenge these thoughts every day.
Negative beliefs are powerful at keeping us stuck in the eating disorder, as well as fueling our anxiety and depression. Our eating disorder tells us that we will feel better if we just keep restricting, bingeing, purging and exercising so we can numb our feelings and reach perfection. The problem is, perfection in an eating disorder, and in life, is unattainable. Eating disorders always tell us to do more, and as a consequence, we never reach satisfaction. When we believe these messages, we give up the possibility of feeling truly content and fulfilled in our lives.
So how do we begin to challenge these thoughts? Let’s look, for example, at what a session dialogue exploring the thought, “I am unworthy” might sound like:
Therapist: What does unworthy mean to you?
Client: I am not enough.
Therapist: Who else would you call unworthy? Can you think of anyone in your life you might say that about?
Client: No, I wouldn’t call anyone else unworthy. Maybe someone who committed a really horrible crime?
Therapist: So you’re saying you wouldn’t call anyone in your life unworthy — except maybe a really harmful criminal — but you call yourself unworthy? How does that add up?
Client: I don’t know, I’m just different. I wouldn’t call anyone else unworthy but myself.
Therapist: Is there anyone in your life who has made you feel unworthy?
Client: Yes, there were some really mean kids in my class.
Therapist: What is your opinion of these peers? Would you want to be friends with them?
Client: No, they are not nice people.
Therapist: So are these the people you want to listen to?
Client: No, I don’t like them.
Therapist: I remember last week you were telling me about a friend that you hung out with. Do you think they would call you unworthy?
Client: No, definitely not.
Therapist: So you wouldn’t call anyone else unworthy, the people who have made you feel unworthy are people you don’t respect, and your friend indicated you are worthy by asking to hang out. From my perspective, this is clear evidence against the belief that you are unworthy. What do you think?
Through this type of dialogue (known as Socratic questioning), we are able to shift the way we think and what we believe about ourselves. But changing those ingrained beliefs takes time. We have to start consistently noticing when we are speaking critically to ourselves and start to challenge the negative thought as shown in the dialogue above. After doing this, we can then start introducing a new, more evidence-based thought about ourselves, also known as “fact checking.”
In this new approach we might wake up and say, “ I am worthy because my friend called me today and wanted to talk. I am worthy because my teacher wanted to hear my answer when I raised my hand. I am worthy because I believe all humans are worthy and therefore that applies to me.” With time, we will find more evidence for reasons we can feel worthy.
This takes practice. There will be days we don’t believe the positive thoughts, but over time, they will become stronger and drown out the negative ones. Each time we tell ourselves we are worthy, and each time we challenge the harmful, negative thoughts, we begin to live our lives more fully. Through this process, we begin to heal.
