EATING DISORDERS AND INFERTILITY: MY STORY
Written by Camille Patrick
At around 12 years old, my family began to watch me disappear. Quite frankly, I watched myself disappear. This was just the beginning of my story.
I disappeared into a box of conformity.
Into the good girl box.
Into the achievement box.
Into the disappointing myself for the sake of not disappointing others box.
Into the fear box.
Into the viewing my body as a visual reflection that everything was okay even though nothing was okay inside box.
This became the foundation for how I thought and felt throughout my teens but was further complicated by my health issues.
As my friends celebrated becoming a “woman”, I sat in doctors’ offices being picked and prodded, trying to figure out what was going wrong inside my body. I can’t help but think that the feelings I had about myself, about my body, had created my health reality.
So at 17 years old, I started taking hormones and my body started to change. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t manipulate or change what was reflected in the mirror. My body was completely taken over by the hormones.
Then it was time to start college. It felt like an opportunity for a fresh start but what really ensued was a magnification and acceleration of the way I negatively viewed myself. Going to college in LA was hard. I didn’t feel like I was interacting with real people but rather interacting with people acting in a way to gain what they perceived to be acceptance. I decided to be a chameleon. To blend right in by controlling how small of jeans I wore. I remember vividly being complimented for how small I had gotten.
I thought that graduating college would make things better. That I would finally be free of the feelings I struggled with. But fast forward 2 years after school and I was hit with an infertility diagnosis. My heart sunk. I’m really not worthy, I thought. Not worthy of being loved just as I am and now not worthy of being a mom.
It wasn’t until a wake up call of heart issues and much therapy that I found my way back to feelings of worthiness that had been tore down over 12 years ago. I never thought that I would come to a place of believing I am worthy of being so deeply loved by the man of my dreams and here I am. That I am worthy of becoming a mom to an incredible human being.
I only have one simple wish at this point after overcoming an eating disorder and struggling with infertility. And that is for this struggle to have purpose, for God to be glorified through this process, and to invite others into my pain in order to share in collective healing.
A Southern California gal on a mission to heal, thrive through medical trauma and share and connect with others. I love building communities and I love being a source of encouragement and light for others on their own healing journeys.