5 WAYS TO SUPPORT PEOPLE IN RECOVERY: UNITING EATING DISORDER SURVIVORS & LOVED ONES
Written by Lexie Manion
Having grown up in environments where my emotions were often invalidated and encouraged to be pushed down and ignored, I struggled greatly to ask for help, let alone even acknowledge my own needs. Being in early recovery from an eating disorder as a teenager, I found myself in many situations where I needed help, but I lacked the skills and ability to properly ask for it. Oftentimes, I felt very guilty even bringing up that I needed extra support. I also made assumptions that people should just know how to help me in the first place, which I later learned was a symptom of another mental illness. What recovery has taught me is that I must work on voicing my needs in order for them to be met — and in calm, direct manners. I struggled to verbalize my pain and needs when I was younger. And I was worried I would be a burden.
When we struggle with mental illness, even those with good intentions may need to know what specifically helps us in order to be good supporters. I wanted to share some ways we can support those struggling with eating disorders.
One of my biggest takeaways from needing support in ways not everyone may always need it is that we each have individual needs as human beings; what helps one person may not be fitting for the next.
We must be willing to see someone else’s pain from their lived perspective and adjust to their needs accordingly.
These are some ways you can support someone in recovery; however, the most profound way to support someone is to offer to be there and to listen non-judgmentally.
Five Ways to Support Someone in Recovery:
1. Be a listening ear. Being willing to meet people where they’re at is a valuable act of humanity. Sometimes when my supporters have simply listened to me and tried to understand how I felt, I felt heard and validated; I felt that the support was enough. Some people have assumed in the past that when I needed support, I was expecting them to solve all my problems. I discovered that it is incredibly powerful to simply be seen in my struggle, and not be left behind.
Those who may not know how to support people struggling with mental illness may act in all-or-nothings — feeling worried that they either have to save the person or turn away. There are gray areas though where the person’s needs can be met and the supporter does not feel overwhelmed. I’ve been lucky to find a few people willing to walk that line between supporting and saving. In a perfect world, it’d be great if I could have grown up in safe environments where I felt supported. I often needed to lean on outside support to have my needs met.
At the same time, some systems can fail children, and we need support from outsiders who are willing to recognize this and still choose to help. If we worry we will jeopardize our own health to help someone, we can cross that bridge when we get there. We can also work on being honest with ourselves and the person we are supporting so everyone feels capable in their role.
2. Ask them what they need and offer ideas if they’re unsure. Being upfront with someone and asking what could help can make a world’s difference. We also may not fully know what we need, so having people offer certain means of support like “Let’s plan to check in once a week” or “We can talk about this if you’d like” has personally helped me in my recovery. With friends supporting me, knowing I’ll have a day to look forward to to check in with them made me feel less anxious.
Especially as adults now, our lives can get very busy, so sometimes my friends are not able to reply right away or give me their full attention. Every single person has different needs, so it’s important to be open to adjusting to supporting different friends or loved ones. When the other person does not know what they need, we can also offer them a few ideas as to what support looks like. For me, sometimes I just need a hug or to feel comforted.
For some people who struggle, we may feel ashamed to specify our needs because we worry they’re silly or asking for too much. When I feel this way, I challenge myself to ask anyway and I remind myself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen”, which is oftentimes being told “no”. A “no” does not signify the end of the world; all it means is that a specific person cannot meet that specific need. Perhaps we need to ask someone else.
On the other side, as a supporter, being open to adjusting how we help others can be life-changing. I’ve asked supporters to work on adjusting their language or making small changes that helped me feel more understood overall. It’s important to note that we should only give what we are able to offer; at the same time, I’ve found that while in some places I was unable to offer specific support, I was able to offer other supportive means. Working with the person in recovery is valuable — coming together, we can solve problems more effectively.
3. Participate in Boycott the Reel: the merging of #BoycottTheBefore and #HighlightMyReal for National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2022. #BoycottTheBefore, an eating disorder awareness campaign aimed at saying we are “so much more” than the before photos of recovery comparisons, is one of two choices for NEDA Week this year. #HighlightMyReal, also created in 2017, encourages people to ditch the usual highlight reels we share and instead, share an honest photo of your reality. The photo could be an unedited photo, a makeup-free selfie, a messy room, a pile of laundry — it could be anything!
The option to use the #HighlightMyReal as well this year is to bring all of us together in the fight against eating disorders. #BoycottTheBefore remains as a choice for those in recovery opting to celebrate their recovery safely rather than sensationalizing the mental illness, while participating in #HighlightMyReal is for everyone. Boycott the Reel is a choice to stand in solidarity with those fighting for recovery and to say, “I support this person in recovery” by showing our real selves. Learn more on @BoycottTheBefore, @RenfrewCenter, and @LexieManion on Instagram.
4. Respect their privacy and boundaries. I have not always been ready to talk about certain parts of my life, so being respected in my space is really appreciated. If we are forced to share something we are not ready to, we can re-traumatize ourselves or even build trust issues with that person. Also, being a survivor of trauma, I have immensely appreciated when friends ask me before sharing if I’m in a good headspace to hear something potentially triggering, and vice versa. Having boundaries in what we can and cannot handle on a day-by-day basis helps determine our ability to be there to support. At the same time though, we can still support our friends without knowing every detail.
5. Educate yourself about body image and eating disorders. Be open to learning new information. While there is endless information available in books and the internet about eating disorders, there are also entire communities of people with lived experience of mental illness advocating for themselves worth listening to. When my supporters were open to learning more about my struggles through articles and survivors’ stories, it made me feel as if we were walking this path together; they were not ahead of me or behind me — they were walking right beside me in my fight for recovery.
What I have also noticed helps me feel seen in my journey is when my supporters read up on marginalized communities who are impacted by eating disorders, as I am at the intersections of marginalization as being a person living in a larger body and being bisexual. Marginalized communities such as LGBTQ+, higher weight, BIPOC, and disabled folks disproportionately struggle with eating disorders.
When we learn that people living in larger bodies with eating disorders are exponentially more likely to be encouraged to engage in eating disorder behaviors in order to lose weight than to be properly screened for an eating disorder by their doctors, we can be there to encourage them to embrace their bodies; focus on a journey of true, all-encompassing health; and fight for their behaviors to be believed.
When we read that Black women are 25% less likely to be diagnosed as white women with the exact same eating disorder behaviors, we can use this information to further advocate for equality and better care. When we learn binging and purging behaviors are more common among Black and Latina women than white women and that more than half of young LGBTQ+ people aged 13-24 have been diagnosed with an eating disorder, we can be on higher alert of the warning signs of eating disorders occurring in marginalized communities and offer our support.
It is critical that we understand that various marginalized people are more profoundly impacted by eating disorders (and in different, nuanced ways) than those who carry more privilege.
Overall, we are all capable of supporting people in recovery from eating disorders. We need to be willing to see their experiences and emotions through their eyes and show compassion. At times, I’ve worried that my supporters or friends would not understand me because they hadn’t been through a specific problem themselves; however, empathy proves this fear wrong. We do not always need to personally know a struggle in order to empathize with the sufferer. Additionally, we can support others without jeopardizing our health or theirs. Having open communication of what needs must be met on both sides can prevent any confusion or setbacks down the road.
As someone who is in recovery from mental illness, I am so appreciative of my supporters. They work hard to make me feel comfortable and supported. We also do great work together through open communication and sharing thoughts and ideas. It can feel intimidating to help someone and it can feel intimidating asking for help. Understanding that both sides take great courage in the decision helps us humanize each other. At the end of the day, mental illness or not, we all need validation and support from time to time. It can be challenging when working with someone struggling with a mental illness, as everyone’s behaviors and needs vary, but when we take time to address each unique situation with care and compassion, those in recovery can begin to heal.
Lexie Manion (she/her) is a writer, artist, student and mental health advocate. She writes about mental health and body acceptance topics, and shares her personal recoveries from mental illness. Lexie is working towards becoming an art therapist, as she has a deep love for creating art that reflects different emotions and experiences. She shares the messages that we are enough as we are and worthy of help. You can find more of her work at lexiemanion.com or follow her on Instagram at the handle @lexiemanion.