The Journey to Freedom
In my late teens I never felt skinny or pretty enough. I felt bigger than a lot of my friends and lacked confidence. I dabbled around with a few diets, though never really stuck with anything. After doing some travel, I put on weight, I wasn’t feeling good in my body and I was experiencing a number of digestion issues. I saw a Naturopath and was told I had leaky gut. He put me on an elimination diet. This led me to develop an obsession with food and my body in my 20’s. I became extremely restrictive with everything I put into my body. I started losing weight and kept losing weight. People complimented me on how skinny I was, how great I looked, how disciplined I was, and how healthy I was. The more praise I got, the more I started to tell myself that this “new me” was what everyone wanted. It made me ‘good enough’. I couldn’t ever stop. If they’d noticed that I’d lost weight, then of course they’d notice if I put on it back on. I had to keep going.
I was so disciplined with exercise and everything I put into my mouth until I would inevitably lose control and binge. My binges were a result of always telling myself ‘no’, never allowing myself to socialize and eat what others were eating, a way to avoid/numb/distract from my thoughts and emotions, being tired of constantly thinking about food and my body, and just being plain HUNGRY!! I wasn’t adequately fuelling myself physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually.
After binges, the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and failure set in. I’d then spend hours exercising to work it all off, promising myself that I’d never do it again and telling myself I’d go back to being ‘healthy’ again tomorrow. This cycle repeated over and over.
I felt so alone and isolated, I didn’t know who to turn to or who would understand.
This went on for years. I was both physically exhausted from pushing myself to exercise and mentally from being constantly consumed by thoughts of food and my body. It was affecting so many areas of my life, in particular my relationship with my husband. He was so understanding, compassionate and supportive, though he didn’t quite understand and wasn’t sure how he could help. I knew something had to change.
Another motivating factor was wanting to have children. I’d lost my period as a result of being underweight, over training and having such a strict diet. This meant I was unable to conceive. We were told that we’d have to do IVF, so I knew what had to be done.
I saw specialists, a psychologist, and I sought help and support from loved ones. I began nourishing my body with a variety of foods and stopped restricting what I ate. I allowed myself to have rest days and listened to my body when I didn’t feel like exercising at all. My doctor recommended I take a personalized set of vitamins and minerals in order to boost those that I was lacking, so I did. I worked on changing my mindset and language. I began meditating, journaling, using daily affirmations and reading books to expand my knowledge, tools and skills. I hired a coach who helped me work through parts of my childhood and life that had a significant impact on my disordered eating and body image. I attended personal development courses and became a Women’s Health Coach, as well as a Master Neuro Linguistic Practitioner.
Fast forward 5 years and I have 2 beautiful children who were both conceived naturally, and I am still madly in love with my amazing husband. Was the journey easy? No! Was it worth it? YESSSSSSS!!
I had to let go of years of conditioning and the untrue stories I had told myself. I had to let go of all the beliefs that I’d created about myself, my weight and my body.
I learned to nourish my body by eating food that makes me feel good, and brings me joy and satisfaction. I retaught myself how to listen to my hunger and fullness cues. I relearned to accept myself and my body exactly as it was. I learned to become aware of my thoughts and language and show myself compassion and kindness. I learned to let go of my food rules and fear foods. And the more I allowed myself to eat all foods and set myself free, the less I binged and the less time and energy I spent thinking about food. I also learned to move my body in ways that feel good and that I enjoy. I take rest days and enjoy sleeping in. I no longer need to earn my food or punish myself with exercise depending on what I’ve eaten.
Of course, I struggled. My journey was never linear. Many days I was terrified and thought it’d just be easier to keep restricting and not experience change physically and mentally. But some days I felt the most free I’d felt in years. It was those days that continued to give me hope and encourage me to keep going.
Eventually, the easier days were more regular and the difficult times became less frequent and daunting.
I now get to be a positive role model to my children and demonstrate to them how to live a healthy, balanced life. They love exercising with me, often climbing on my back while I’m trying to do push ups. My son has claimed the “Master Chef” role of the house, always helping me cook. We have fun riding bikes and enjoying the sunshine and waves at the beach. We eat a variety of foods that give us nourishment, fuel and joy. We feel great relish in a delicious scoop of ice cream! We speak kindly and positively about our bodies and are so grateful for what they allow us to do and experience every single day.
It also fills my heart with so much warmth and gratitude that through my healing, I am now able to support others to do the same. I left my job as a Special Education Teacher to become a Women’s Health and Nutrition Coach. I am so passionate about empowering women to choose freedom from food and their bodies. They say that the things we go through happen for a reason. I see this now as my purpose. A fire within me is ignited to share my journey, so that others know they’re not alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
