Shooting My Shot at Joyful Movement in Recovery
Written by Colleen McAteer
In January I picked up a basketball for the first time in almost three years.
Let me preface this all by saying I am no athlete. I gravitated more toward theater than sports growing up. I found sports to be too aggressive but wanted to appease my dad, a natural athlete, so I attempted a few. After growing six inches over the summer in middle school, people started asking me if I played basketball or volleyball. Though I did play in a basketball rec league during this time, I had no interest in pursuing it further. Only the occasional hoop shooting on my driveway after school. I enjoyed that time because there was no competition or pressure – just me and my net. But, my disinterest in playing competitively didn’t stop people from asking me to continue playing.
In high school, I started attending a local gym with my mom and aunt to “stay in shape.” I’d always been a lanky kid, but after gaining some weight in puberty, I started to become more preoccupied with my body, feeling compelled to return to the lithe version of myself I was in middle school. At first the trips to the gym were relatively harmless – just doing a bit of lifting followed by some walking on the treadmill. But it unfortunately began to take on a life of its own. Exercise became something I abused for several years in an attempt to “stay thin.” Movement was no longer fun. It had become a ritualistic necessity, dictated by my eating disorder.
By age 16, I developed osteopenia – something women generally experience closer to age 50 – and lost my period. The combination of lowered body fat from over-exercising and a decrease in hormone levels from malnutrition left my body in rough shape for a few years. Luckily, I was able to restrengthen my bones and restore my period in recovery. But, to this day, I have to pace myself when I exercise because my knees and my back never fully recovered.
Fast forward to now, I am still the farthest thing from an athlete but have finally settled into a healthy rhythm with movement.
I now automatically gravitate towards activities that make me feel good and aren’t particularly strenuous. In some ways, I’ve been trying to protect myself from re-opening Pandora’s box of exercise abuse. Though this has been done with good intentions, I recently started to think about stepping out of my comfort zone to look for other ways of movement that bring me joy. Since recovering, I’ve thought about returning to basketball but have been intimidated by the male-dominated local courts. But today was my lucky day. My gym’s basketball court was completely empty. It was a chance for me to take a few shots with no pressure and no spectators, and I even made a few! Having this time to re-explore basketball without judgement, was necessary to spark joy in an old form of movement. Now, if there are people on the court with me, I’m no longer so preoccupied with what they could be thinking. I keep my air pods in, shoot with “incorrect” (but comfortable for me!) form, and walk to retrieve my ball when I miss.
For those in recovery who have been given medical clearance to exercise, I encourage you to explore different areas of movement to find what brings you joy. If you are in the early stages of exercising, whether it’s for the first time ever or first in a while, I suggest starting with something simple. Maybe a mindful walk, a beginner yoga class, or an easy bike ride around your neighborhood. When I was at my worst, I exercised solely with numerical goals. Burn x amount, weigh y, wear a size z. Now, I move because it makes me happy. I’m able to listen to my body and know when to rest. I also no longer force myself to move in ways I don’t enjoy. I hope you too can find ways to move that spark joy rather than exhaustion.
Colleen McAteer (she/her) is an eating disorder recovery coach at Bridged. Having recovered from both anorexia and BED, she hopes to use her experiences to help others forge a more balanced relationship with food and movement. She is currently working on her CCI EDC certification. For more information about Colleen, check out her website, or check out the Bridged Treatment Center.