RECLAIMING MY LIFE: MY RECOVERY JOURNEY
Written by Rachel Yates
I developed an eating disorder at the young age of 12 and struggled in silence for about a year. It all began due to feelings of unworthiness and my lack of confidence. I criticized myself and believed that I was not good enough for anything or anyone. I began to develop bad coping mechanisms to try and lose some weight; I became so addicted to acting on these unhealthy urges and lost all my friends and developed severe anxiety as a result.
My parents found out about my eating disorder about a year after it began, and I was admitted to the hospital. However, it wasn’t until the next year where I truly began the road to recovery. In 2016, my eating disorder really took control of my life, and I was unable to function. This was when I was admitted to a treatment center in Durham, North Carolina called Veritas Collaborative.
At the time, I was 14 years old, about to begin my freshman year of high school, which I unfortunately missed out on. My family and outpatient treatment team did all they could to keep me out of the hospital and recovering on my own, but I continued spiraling downward with my struggles. When I was admitted to Veritas Collaborative, I had no desire at all to get better.
The first couple of weeks in treatment were the hardest times of my life. Not only was I suffering with eating disorder urges that I couldn’t act on; I was also three hours away from my home. Somewhere along the way, I began to make friends in treatment. I adapted to the environment I was in, and Veritas Collaborative truly became my home. I formed deep bonds and connections with staff members and patients.
Although that eating disorder voice didn’t quite disappear, I knew that I was safe, loved, and cared for, and that made all the difference.
After getting discharged from treatment, I fell off the wagon in my recovery and experienced some relapses in behaviors. My anxiety began to resurface once I had to return to a new school, and I couldn’t seem to function like a normal high school student. As a result, my grades and social life suffered. My eating disorder became loud again, and my depression worsened. I struggled the whole summer of 2017 and almost had to go back to treatment.
Something inside me clicked, and I knew I couldn’t continue down that path anymore. I had already missed out on so much school, and it felt as if my teenage years were passing me by. At that point, all I wanted was to get better and not miss out on any more opportunities. I realized that I was chasing something that I would never catch.
Acting on all these eating disorder urges once gave me a sense of identity and control, but I came to see that it was doing nothing but tearing my life apart.
I had to rediscover who I was and who I wanted to be. I had to let go of the one thing that I had known for so long, to try and take a risk to find something better. At this point, I knew I wanted to help others in the same situation I was in. I made the promise to myself that I would continue with recovery in order to do so.
Fast forward to 2021 – I am in a much better place than I ever imagined I would be in. I realize now that being put in uncomfortable situations and stepping out of your comfort zone is key to reaching genuine happiness.
However, I am not going to sugar-coat my experience, because I still struggle with negative thoughts from time to time. The difference now is that I have healthy coping skills and a positive outlook on my life and my future. I have many motivators in my recovery, as well as goals for my life, which helps in preventing a relapse.
I am still in therapy, as I believe it can be beneficial for anyone. I realize that I am so fortunate to have access to treatment services, because I know there are so many people out there who don’t have the same opportunities that I do. I wholeheartedly believe that having access to treatment saved my life and gave me the tools and motivation to get better, and I admire Project HEAL’s mission so much in helping those in need.
I truly am so grateful for everything that I have been through and am eternally appreciative of my family and friends who have supported me throughout my journey.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my recovery story. I hope that it was inspiring for anyone out there who hasn’t let go of their disorder. I promise you, there is so much more to your life than your illness, and recovery is worth it.
Hi! My name is Rachel Yates (she/her) and I am in long-term recovery from an eating disorder. I am currently in college, studying psychology and human services. I hope to become a licensed professional counselor who specializes in eating disorders and anxiety. I hope that my story inspires anyone out there who may be struggling.