Poems
By Nica Selvaggio
small
the more I tried
to own my power
the more I ended up
giving it away
pronouns
no one told me.
that I would miss
the sharpness of my grief
no one told me
that an identity
can come to be shaped
by sorrow and suffering
the harsh angles
of my face
are softening
into someone new
I don’t yet know who
their brow is less furrowed
cheeks fuller still
a spark in their eyes
vacancies filled
the hope of spring
pushing through
thawing out pale winter hue
people seem to like
the beauty in healing
they don’t know
the pain in letting go
of being able to hide
it feels so vulnerable
to lose the armor
that kept the grief close
I’m afraid her memory
will soften too
no one told me
there is loss
in finding joy
no one told me
there is loss
in shedding the cloak
no one told me
what to do
with the freedom
of finally embracing
the truth
I have many genders
and you can call me
they them
instructions for joy
hush now my sweet child
you hold all the love you need
within your ragged beating heart
people will come
and they will go
do not let the leaving
turn you into stone
some will hurt you
some will help you grow
they are not different
compassion can only help you
so lift your chin
crack open your ribs
let the light within you glow
with the knowledge
a pulsing hope
there is always warmth
within the cold
find the eyes
that help you see
you are never truly alone
healing is found
within we
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the reclamation
I want to delight in myself
the way my mother
never taught me how
I want love every little
bump scar and crevice
till I no longer feel hollow subdued
I want to delight in myself
celebrate every ache and moan
pinch and groan
make this body a home
allowance is freedom too
I want to embrace
pleasure as my path
shame removed
a reclamation
shrieking laughter
wild dancing stomping feet
dirty knees everything uncouth
no one asks a flower not to bloom
and so I do
and so I do
and so I do
u n f o ld
something curious
allowed to grow
delight! in myself like a child
who hasn’t yet learned
to hide everything
ugly messy raw
this is called healing
growing up is growing young
little Nica
is the beautiful one
and delight in them, I do!
Nica Selvaggio is a Chicago-born, Indiana-bred, Seattle-formed poet/writer/therapist who is still trying to find their place in the story of all things. They are a non-binary and queer human who finds healing writing about the things that often go unspoken. Trauma. Grief. Sexuality. Addiction. Adoption. Eating Disorders. Race. Gender. Identity. Power. Nica’s deepest hope in sharing their writing is to create safe spaces to explore the darkness that resides within us all, thereby igniting the light found in connectedness. Their creative work is gritty, honest, raw, and unrefined. It is a reflection of their fierce belief in the power of harnessing vulnerability and authenticity on the page as a means of healing trauma and pain. You can find more of Nica’s poetry and essays in the pages of Papeachu Press, For Women Who Roar, This is Jane Project, Wussy Magazine, and their website www.nicaselvaggio.com. They also host a podcast called The Nonbinary Body Image Project. You can find Nica on Instagram here and here.