Life Can Be About So Much More Than Your Eating Disorder
For so long my life revolved solely around my eating disorder. It was my world, my purpose, and the thing I was best at. I was in and out of it at times. Sometimes I was able to enjoy other parts of life, focus on relationships, successfully get into college, etc. But other times, I was dying. It was all I could think about and all I could do. When I fell into my deepest relapse during the summer of 2022, I was in so much pain. Even more, denial – I couldn’t see a future except for a lifetime of anorexia. My life revolved around anything I could do to lose weight to make myself “feel better.” I hated myself and at the same time, I could not stop using behaviors. I am so grateful and lucky I had people in my life who intervened, even when I did not want help.
Eventually, my disorder got to a point where the amount of pain and denial I was in also started hurting those around me. My loved ones urged me to go to treatment and, even though I was still wrapped up in the mental illness, I agreed to go for them. Deep down, I wanted to stop hurting. So, I reluctantly went to my first treatment facility.
When I was there I felt furious, scared, and hopeless. I made progress but then relapsed. I had to drop out of school full-time and only take one course, but even then, nothing else mattered. My entire world revolved around my eating disorder.
Eventually, I began to understand the function my eating disorder played. There were many times in my life when I felt like I needed something to keep me going – to keep me in control when I felt hopeless, scared, anxious, and terrified of failure. My eating disorder gave me what I thought was comfort when I was trying to soothe all the pain I felt that was too overwhelming to feel. It gave me something to focus on that I thought would “better myself.” I thought that if I tried to achieve something or fix something about myself then maybe I would like myself more, but it only made my self-esteem worse, and the more I fed into the mental illness, the more it sucked me in.
I felt like I had control, I felt comforted, I felt like I was doing the right thing for myself during those times, but in reality, I was harming myself. And I couldn’t keep living this way.
Seven months later, I graduated from the higher level of care – a place I thought I would never leave – and started outpatient treatment again. Every bite I forced myself to take and every tear I shed in group therapy changed my life. But I kept pushing forward. Now my life is about so. much. more.
I have to work on my recovery every day. Yes, it is easier now. But making time to buy food and prep meals, all while navigating diet culture and negative body image thoughts is HARD. Diet culture and beauty standards are everywhere. They’re ingrained in our society and are incredibly dangerous. There’s so much pressure to fit a certain image. It's no wonder so many people develop eating disorders. Then, on top of that, there are harmful stereotypes about eating disorders. So many people believe they’re not “sick enough” because society tells us we have to be “underweight” or look super thin even if our bodies are clearly sending us messages that they’re in danger. Part of what saved my life was literally just being validated in my eating disorder.
One of the biggest lessons I learned is that if my eating disorder causes me any pain and makes me unable to live my life, that's sick enough. I don't have to look a certain way, I don't have to be a certain weight. If I even think the words “I'm not sick enough,” that’s what being sick looks like.
Over the past six months, I have released three singles on all major streaming platforms (under the name Lily Pierce) and am working on my very first EP which I am aiming to release as soon as possible. I have performed in NYC and Nashville and have many bright experiences waiting ahead of me. I am now working every day toward my personal goal of becoming a full-time singer/songwriter. I am performing, networking, and collaborating. Eventually, I hope to act in theater and movies, direct, write scripts, and more. My biggest dream is to be a popstar which I am training for every day with my vocal coach and producer which I sought out myself. I also regularly go out with my friends, have a job, and am back in college. I could never have imagined this life a year ago.
I am an artist. I am not my eating disorder. One is part of an identity, and the other one is a coping mechanism I used during times when I needed something I did not have. And while I may have been trying to protect myself with this misplaced way of coping, it had the opposite effect I was looking for – it narrowed the path for what my life could be about, and blocked me from discovering what I could be and do, and the relationships and experiences that awaited me. I have a lot of big dreams now and I can no longer hide behind the eating disorder, but when I did, I was only left with my eating disorder and nothing else. It's so tempting to take that route, but it is possible to take another path. After all I have been through, facing my dreams and fears head-on is worth the risk because it allows for a full life, filled with things that I care about and that make me who I am. My life is about so much more now. There is so much more joy that awaits you in your life.
