30
By Liana Rosenman, Project HEAL Co-Founder
"Let me take you on a journey... One that sheds the skin of my past and embodies the person I am today."
Demi Lovato and her new album have inspired me to be honest about my journey. However, I think it’s important to note that I am still shedding the skin of my past, and will continue to HEAL.
The below entry is my truth. Within the entry, you will find lyrics from Demi Lovato’s album.
Liana and Demi pictured on April 11th, 2013
When I was 12 years old I was diagnosed with anorexia.
When I was 14 years old I entered treatment (where I met Kristina).
When I was 17 years old I co-founded Project HEAL.
Today, I turn 30 years old.
On this day I am faced with a choice similar to the one I made before founding Project HEAL: wrap up my past in a box with a tight bow and never speak of it again OR unwrap the box and share my story in hopes of gifting others with the knowledge I have gained.
Good Place
For a little over a decade, I ironically felt “lighter.” I no longer felt like a prisoner in my own body or mind. I felt free. Free to be me. Free to share my thoughts and feelings, and pursue my dreams.
I had wholeheartedly believed that my eating disorder was behind me. I recall countless speeches, interviews, and conversations where I stated, “Full recovery is possible.”
Recently I’ve been questioning why I’ve allowed one word (“recovered”) to hold so much power, just as the scale held a similar power, dictating my self-worth.
Dancing With The Devil
I never thought a lapse would be part of my future. I had the knowledge of what life was like “dancing with the devil.” I swore to myself that I would never let myself go back there. I had the armor, or in this case, the support, tools, and strategies to defeat the devil if it were to return.
But life got intense and the devil crept back without me even noticing. In the past few years, I’ve undergone countless surgeries and received many medical diagnoses unrelated to my eating disorder. During this time I was working in an environment that was toxic and retraumatizing. I also lost loved ones, which felt like losing pieces of myself.
These were all things out of my hands but I felt like I was spiraling out of control. To me, the illusion of control led to my lapse. However, this “devil” did not present itself as it had in my teenage years and because of this, I didn’t recognize it. I was in denial.
In my teens, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (restrictive type/compulsive exercise). Today, I am not obsessed with calories, body shape, or weight; rather, my eating disorder presents as avoidance of food and disturbance of appetite, a form of ARFID.
No matter how an eating disorder surfaces through symptoms, they can often be tied back to some form of trauma or negative life experience. Yes, we all have a life experience here or there that could be deemed negative. It is how our nervous system reacts to this trauma that informs the eating disorder. What could be learned from understanding the way my nervous system reacts is that no matter what the symptom, my body was responding to feeling threatened and in danger. My eating disorder felt like the only way to move away from this danger. While it might work well in the short term, it's not a long-term solution. And ultimately, the longer you are pushing away from danger, the more your body pays for it.
Living For Perfection Isn’t Living
Similar to Demi Lovato, I felt this intense pressure to obtain the “perfect” recovery or to be an ideal role model. I spent the past few years feeling mortified and embarrassed -like a fraud. I think there is a huge stigma in this community around advocates and treatment providers being held to a higher standard as though they are immune or invincible.
If superman is infected with kryptonite, he does not become less of a superhero.
A slip, lapse, or relapse does not mean we are any less courageous. I am hoping that if anyone has ever felt this pressure to obtain a perfect recovery hears me when I say, “Heroes are admired for their bravery and noble qualities.” If anything, sharing our truth makes us stronger, braver, and honest.
Forgiveness is the hardest truth. It is something you have to choose.
I am learning to be compassionate with myself and my younger self. I am learning more about myself. I am allowing myself to feel all the feels - including anger, the one emotion I would not allow myself to feel.
17-year-old Liana was not wrong for believing I was recovered. Given the information and experiences I had, I did recover from the things that I could recover from at that time.
30-year-old me recognizes that I am and will forever be growing, HEALing, learning and evolving. Scars remain, wounds heal. As we grow older, we endure more wounds. Some result in new scars, others reopen scars we thought were healed. And despite this, we continue to grow and HEAL.
The Art of Starting Over
Although Demi’s album is titled, “Starting Over,” I don’t feel like I’ve started over. All the progress I made is not erased. HEALing from an eating disorder is not always a straightforward journey. It is not black and white. Rather, the road to HEALing is often filled with twists, turns, and detours.
HEALing
Recovery is not a race. You will not break the ribbon, be greeted with a cheering crowd, or a photographer as you cross the finish line. That is because recovery is not static; it’s always moving. The correct path to HEALing is the exact path that we are on. Keep going and getting back up, despite the setbacks and struggles, you’ll continue to make progress and will eventually find freedom and HEALing.
Project HEAL
Appropriately, recovery is not one size fits all. Just like our bodies, recovery from our eating disorders will always be deeply personal, looking and feeling different for everyone. At Project HEAL, we believe that all bodies are good bodies and that recovery is possible with the right support. Only you know what recovery will look and feel like for you, but no matter where you are in the process, Project HEAL is always rooting for you.
My recovery is about the same age as Project HEAL. And just like Project HEAL, there have been so many different chapters and versions of me. As a co-founder and as a board member, I’m so proud of where Project HEAL is now. In some ways we’re fully grown up now as an organization, and in others, we’re closer to our original vision and hope than we’ve been since our inception. We started this thing so that we could help people, one at a time, access the treatment they need. And we’re still doing that, but now we’re carried by 13 years of experience, learning, and wisdom.
It would mean the world to me if you would give a gift to Project HEAL in my honor to help me celebrate 13 years of Project HEAL and 13 years of my own HEALing. Thank you all for being there every step of the way.
