Three Tips for Making a “Home for the Holidays” Recovery Toolkit
When you’re enduring the stress of college, coming home for the holiday break can evoke feelings of comfort and relief for many. But for those living with eating disorders, it can be one of the most daunting things to have to face. As someone who has recently graduated from college, this is a challenge I know very well. While some parts of it get easier over time, some felt like they never did and never would, despite how badly I wanted them to. I remember feeling so conflicted, wanting so badly to return to the familiarity of home, my family, and my pets; but also being terrified of the potential conflicts that may have been awaiting me there. However, after working closely with my therapist and dietician, I learned that it didn’t have to be that way (and I had a lot more power over how these encounters would go than I thought I did!). My care team and I assembled a “Home for the Holiday” Toolkit that helped me to be prepared for a variety of triggering scenarios that might pop up. If you’re also feeling anxious about coming home for break after being away at school, here are my top three tips:
Set healthy boundaries with your loved ones.
This can range from confiding in a trusted loved one to help you advocate for your needs while you’re back home (such as helping to keep some topics out of the family discussions), to coming up with a phrase that you can say that helps you to protect your peace while also not feeling as though you’re being confrontational. A phrase I used a lot is, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this right now as I feel that it could be harmful to my recovery.” This phrase can look different for everyone – it’s really just about finding something you feel comfortable saying in the moment.Stay in contact with your support system and/or care team.
Again, this will look different for everyone. Some people have the ability to access services like a dietician and/or therapist, while others rely on support from trusted family and friends. The most essential component here is making sure that you identify your supports, whomever they may be, and make sure to keep in touch with them when you’re struggling. I know this alone can feel overwhelming, but I came to realize that reaching out doesn’t always mean delving into all the details in the moment. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “Hey, I could really use a friend right now – are you free?” Conversations of mine that started like this were some of the most life-changing ones.Be kind to yourself!
I remember being so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t “act normal” or have a “normal holiday,” wishing that I could send my eating disorder away on a solo vacation long enough for me to get through family dinner. However, over the years as I have come home for family gatherings, I realized that around the holidays, I’m not the only one feeling stress or anxiety. As I listened to conversations across the table about the stressors my loved ones were dealing with, I quickly found some solace in the fact that most people are on edge around the holidays. I was never “abnormal,” I was just a human being going through holiday stressors like everyone else – just in a different way than most around me. I also found comfort in short recovery-oriented quotes, making them my phone lock screen or writing them on small post-its so they were discreet yet easily accessible. My favorite one was: “just because I can’t do it today, doesn’t mean I won’t be able to do it someday.” This reminded me that just because I may not be able to sit at the table without any input from my eating disorder right now, it doesn’t mean that someday things won’t be different.
If there’s anything you take from this piece, please know that while the thought of coming home from college may be anxiety-provoking and seem more stressful than it’s worth, I can promise you that the more you get out there and simply try your best, the less power “ED” will have over you at the holidays (and every day!). You deserve to have a seat at the table. You deserve to be present and have your voice heard in family conversations at dinner, and your life – and all of the future holidays – is worth the fight against your eating disorder. There will be days that are harder than most, days that feel nearly impossible to get through. But the best part about a rough day is that it only lasts 24 hours, and tomorrow is a new day with another chance to start over again. Believe in yourself, and you may just be surprised at the strength you’re able to muster.
