Finding Meaning in the Chaos: A Collection of Recovery Poems

Written By Al
finding-meaning-chaos-recovery-poems

Here are some poems of what my recovery is, and my experiences in finding hope along the way. As a muslim in America, it's easy to describe experiences and share concepts that are lost on large portions of the population. To put things into simpler terms, to reach out and connect with more people who share the same struggles in different languages, cultures, and lifestyles, these poem aims to unite around what recovery is, the feelings it provokes, and how we all must keep fighting. These poems helped me to find meaning in the chaos, and I hope sharing them will help others to know they're not alone.

RECOVERY IS

a baby
kicking and screaming and fighting
falling over and tumbling
moods changing like lightning
no thoughts prevailing over the mumbling

a flashlight
lighting up new corners of my world
adding new meaning to my reflection
old ways: dark, lonely habits unfurled
brightness in the wake of blinded destruction

tug of war
slipping in the cold mud
pulled in opposite directions: a mind split
heart pounding, scraped knees splashed with blood
laughing, smiling now that we're in it

work
dreading the process, wanting the aims
in the darkest moments, held together only by grit
I hated it, fought it off with twisted games
and I needed it

COUNTING

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
we’re going to be late,
so start counting in my head,
trying to ignore the tardiness dread.

I sit in math and raise my hand,
my mind racing to understand,
where did my teacher get 91?
But he’s already moved on.

Three tablespoons of sugar
(I’m trying a new recipe),
a cup of flour,
and setting the timer for an hour.

If numbers were as simple as that,
maybe then I could let go of being flat.
If they would just stay out of my head,
maybe then I could fall asleep in bed.

If digits would just mind themselves
and rules would just stay on shelves,
if class was the only time I thought of figures,
I might not have as many triggers.

And if I had only been counting the hours left in our school day,
maybe my mind would be free of the pounding,
and I wouldn’t have pushed all my friends away.

But numbers make modern medicine possible, 
and chemistry equations solvable.
We can send rockets into space!
With technology, anything can be traced.

Our possibilities are limitless,
and our world is testament to society’s skillfulness,
but we use our screens to tear eachother down,
and kids are taught who doesn’t deserve a crown.

But I don’t want to live like that,
so I’m taking the numbers back.
With unmeasured meals and spontaneous treats,
quality (uncounted) time brings me peace.

One day I’ll forget about one through nine,
and I won't recall how it was to feel so not fine.
How I measure up to you won't bother me,
and I’ll scale my worth on being free.

EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED TO BE

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Has changed so many times
I couldn’t tell you what I want

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Was a teacher then a painter sometimes
Then a singer with money to flaunt

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Evolved as I grew, fluctuating between
Practical colleges and romantic lifestyles

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Darkened as I stopped having dreams
Greyed and died with my smiles

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Seemed entirely out of reach
Numbers and poison filled my head

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Became an impossible barrier to breach
With no reason to get out of bed

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Has been so confusing
Is chasing happiness why I’m here?

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Became loosing
And pushing away everyone I hold dear

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Is now a feeling
A carefree vengeance I grasp at 

Everything I've ever wanted to be 
Leaves my dramatic mind reeling
No longer centering around being flat

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Is warm and finally alive
Pushing me to thrive

Everything I've ever wanted to be
Has changed so many times
I couldn’t
Not even if I wanted to
Explain it in rhymes

MY KIND OF NIGHTS

My sad moments make me happy
My insignificance makes me mad
I stalk the blurred lines of reality
My happy moments make me sad

Over-observance can change an outcome
Analyzation can ruin a moment
My nightmares leave me numb
Life can turn anyone into a poet

Looking back reveals the tricks of time
The victor gets to tell the story
My memories no longer stay mine
I hide myself from daylight’s glory

I steal myself from the mundaneness of it all
Eating berry pie, wielding a purple pen
Reminding myself I don’t have to be small
Watching the clock tick towards ten

While color fades and I feel old
I free myself, ripping off layers
Exposing my body to the cold
The wind blowing away tears

I know now that I must fight
So that I can be here for these kinds of nights

Al

Al (he/him) is a teenager from a small, southern town in America. His identity as queer person of color in a small, southern town in America has put him in some almost laughable positions. Almost. Al has turned to poetry as another outlet to reach out to others, and cross divides to let others know that they’re not alone. Al wants these poems, that take you in and out of the twists of his mind, to impact people, and add a little more hope to the world. Al hopes to continue to reach out, volunteer, and help people in any way he can. He hopes to be an ear to people, and to fight the epidemic-level numbers of eating disorders in teenagers. When he’s not wielding a musical instrument, he holds a purple pen and a little green notebook, and tries to make sense of this very weird world.

Previous

Confronting My Own Internalized Anti-Fat Bias Was a Monumental Step in My Recovery
Next

Four Lessons on Fatherhood and the Emotional Consequences of Male Infertility