5 Tips for Attending Thanksgiving Gatherings in Eating Disorder Recovery
Thanksgiving is complicated. Growing up before my eating disorder, Thanksgiving was a time when my extended family came together at my rich uncle’s house. Us kids all snacked on appetizers and watched Indiana Jones movies in the basement until dinner was ready. I then stuffed myself to uncomfortable fullness and inevitably passed out on the couch in front of the fireplace watching football while my body digested the massive meal I’d just eaten. Now, as a grown up who has recovered from an eating disorder and moved away from my hometown, I have differing political opinions from that rich uncle (and a lot of my extended family), a hesitency towards celebrating a holiday that stems from the murder and colonalization of Native Americans by Europeans (my family is white), and a strong aversion to all things diet culture (which can be incidious at family gatherings that revolve around a big feast). But, I also recognize how beneficial coming together with family – whether biological, chosen, or a group of friends – can be, and I know that folks can’t always opt out of family gatherings. Like I said, Thanksgiving is complicated.
Early in my eating disorder recovery journey, I was very emotionally fragile. I was no longer using behaviors, but I did still have urges, negative body image, and a lot of internalized anti-fat bias that I had yet to unpack and unlearn. So, leading up to Thanksgiving, my therapist and I identified several strategies to help me through the challenging day. They ended up being very helpful, and nine years later, I still use them for food-centered holidays and events.
Eat normally before the event (especially day-of!) – Bingeing stems from restriction, whether physical (not eating XYZ) or emotional (telling yourself you shouldn’t be eating XYZ, even if you do physically eat it). If you eat normally leading up to the event, you’ll be less ravenous and therefore less likely to eat past comfortable fullness when dinner is served. Then, once you’ve finished eating, if there’s a dish you really liked, ask the person who made it for the recipe! That way you can make it at home whenever you like so your body won’t feel like it’s restricted to only one day a year. And if you do eat past comfortable fullness at any point, that’s ok! You’ve literally got whole organs whose sole purpose is to digest your food.
Wear comfortable clothes – I’ve made the mistake in the past of wearing tighter fancy clothes to a food-centered holiday gathering, and then inevitably ended up uncomfortable and focused on my body the whole time! Nowadays, I make sure to wear looser clothes so that after I do eat, I still feel physically comfortable and can mentally focus on the conversation happening around me.
Decide and practice how you’d like to answer diet culture comments beforehand – Unfortunately, we all live in diet culture. So even if your family knows you’re in recovery for an eating disorder, they may still make a triggering comment(s) without even realizing that it could be triggering. I’ve found it helpful to identify one response that I want to try to remember and use if a triggering comment is said. My psychiatrist likened this strategy to repeating a mantra to yourself. This time though, you’ll say it out loud for others to hear too. Your response(s) can range from gentle to more direct, depending on what you’re comfortable with. Here are some examples:
Change the subject: “Wait. [Name], I just remembered that you went on a trip recently! Tell me about it!”
Politely set a boundary: “Oh that’s not something I’m comfortable/interested in talking about, but I’d love to chat about ___!”
Direct: “I’m actually working on improving my body image and relationship with food, so can we talk about something else?”
If you’d like some more examples of responses, check out Aubrey Gordon’s list!
Identify an ally – After I got back from residential treatment years ago, I did my best to teach my mom what was helpful vs. harmful to say and do around me. I sent her articles and books where she could read about how to support someone struggling with an eating disorder. When the first family event post-treatment rolled around, we specifically talked about how she could support me at that event. We agreed that she’d help me divert any conversations away from body and food so that I didn’t have to do it all myself. I believe we also brainstormed what she could say to excuse my absence if I needed to take a break. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped. Another way I’ve asked friend/family allies to support me is to dialogue with me when my eating disorder voice was particularly loud. I voiced my eating disorder thoughts to them, and they responded from a healthy perspective to help me challenge my eating disorder. This does require the person to be more knowledgeable about eating disorders though! I’d suggest sending the list of resources linked above to anyone you’d like this level of support from.
Take breaks – Spending time with a group of extended family members can be a lot. It can be overwhelming to catch up with a bunch of people, and hard to repeatedly answer questions about what you’ve been up to in general, never mind if what you’ve been up to is struggling with an eating disorder! So if you need to sneak away to take breaks, that’s ok. Maybe you can step outside to call/text a friend, go to the bathroom to run some cool water over your hands or wrists (coldness helps shock me back to reality when my anxiety is high), go for a walk by yourself, snuggle the dog/cat, or text HEALING to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 for support. (You can text 24/7 about anything you’re struggling with – it doesn’t need to be a life-or-death “crisis.”)
All in all, remind yourself that this is just one day out of the whole year. It’s just one meal, and just one event that’s only a few hours long. It also helps me to remember that others so often only choose to share the positives from their life when catching up with people they haven’t seen in awhile. So while you might think that you’re the only one in the room who’s been struggling with something, I’d bet that you’re far from alone. I’m rooting for you. We can both make it through this day.
