By: Amira O’Kelly
Today I will not punish myself. I will not eat to fill a void or because I feel like it is my only chance to have the thing I want before I have to restrict again. Today I will not binge and purge or make excuses for why it’s necessary to empty my body. I will remember all the effort I put in to make my metabolism work again to go to the bathroom naturally again. I will remember purging will lead me to my grave – even if on the worst days when I feel like there is not a reason I want to live or be here. I must remind myself I don’t want to die kneeling over a toilet bowl and lying on the floor of the cold tiles in the bathroom. I will remember the panic attack I had on the train when I became too afraid to eat dinner. When I pulled my hair out because I had over my limit for the day.
When the calories spun around inside my head torturing me for hours upon hours and days upon days weeks upon weeks and months upon months. I will remember the Father’s Day I ruined because I was not eating and too weak to enjoy an outdoor fair because the whole time I felt like I needed to faint. And when I got angry at my dad for stopping to eat because I could not stand the thought of putting anything into my body I will remember the nights I’ve hung out with my girlfriends but was too weak to enjoy anything. When I cried looking at the menu because I did not know the exact calorie count or kind of oil they cooked their vegetables in. I will remember to truly trust my hunger signals and eat only when my body needs it not when I am bored lonely happy or emotional. I will remind myself that no matter how powerful I feel when I starve myself, it always leads to a road of self-destruction. I will remember not to be weak at night when I feel as though I’m completely alone – food will not fill that void and will ultimately lead to over eating or a binge which then leads to a purge. I will remember the days and nights I felt happy to be alive. When I have a truly amazing laugh with my girlfriends, when I do a good job at work and get a lot done, when I get my favorite breakfast every morning, when somebody I love hugs me. When I am distracted from the constant validation I need from my eating disorder brain. I will work out and not become obsessed, but I will do it because it makes me feel sexy and powerful. I will nourish my body and remember the only reason I feel so lost is because my eating disorder still lives inside of me.
About the Author: Follow Amira @amiraokelly