Tina’s Story
- How many calories are in that?
- Did I measure exactly one tablespoon?
- Do I weigh more than I did yesterday?
- You are so fat and so ugly!
These questions and statements are a few among many that tormented me and filled every corner of my mind almost every waking moment since about second grade. I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was fourteen years old but the behaviors began much earlier. I was at a normal weight throughout elementary school and the start of middle school for a girl my age (even though I always thought I was way over), so people didn’t notice a lot of my behaviors, and mostly because I wanted it that way. I kept the non-stop judging voice in my head, the fact that I weighed myself constantly, and the fact that I looked in the mirror more than I did anything else to myself. Looking in the mirror and analyzing every part of my body from every angle was a huge hobby of mine. I couldn’t even meet a girl without comparing myself, “She’s so much thinner than you, looser!”
My family began to notice signs in middle school but they weren’t too concerned just yet. They noticed that I began to measure my food, analyze myself in the mirror like it was my job, obsessively diet, and eventually refuse to ever go out to eat with them. Restaurants were out of the question; they couldn’t be trusted. What if they cooked with a lot of oils? What if the diet coke I ordered was actually regular? It was out of the question. Food was on my mind day and night. I even remember dreaming about it a few times. I distinctly remember one night my freshman year of high school when I dreamt that I let myself have a huge piece of chocolate cake. I woke up crying and in a panic. I rushed to the bathroom and weighed myself to find that, “Thank god it was just a dream!”
When I hit eighth grade things started to spiral downhill. I started isolating myself from people. I couldn’t go out with friends a lot. What if they made me eat? A few people confronted me about my habits, but I just denied it:
- It was preposterous.
- I couldn’t have an eating disorder.
- Anorexia was a goal I could never achieve.
- I could never be that controlled–that thin.
Of course I didn’t say that. I just rolled my eyes and declared, “I’m fine!” As time went by I lost more weight, along with clumps of hair and my period. One day I realized I fit into a size XX. That made me feel accomplished for about five minutes. Then it wasn’t even enough to keep me happy. Right before I was diagnosed with anorexia, I went for a visit to the doctor. My mom was worried. The doctor told us I had serious heart issues. It consistently skipped beats and was basically a heart attack waiting to happen. All I could think was,”Yes! I did it! I must be thin now!”
A few weeks later, I was inpatient at a treatment center (where Kristina Saffran, one of the founder’s of Project HEAL, was my roommate. She’s the best!). I denied even needing to be there at first, but eventually I realized I had a problem. I didn’t want to get better though. That meant loosing what I had known as my identity for so long. It meant losing my safety net. I just wanted to be able to be on a perpetual diet and keep losing weight. I didn’t know how to live life without being on a diet. Dieting made me feel good about myself. My therapist simply asked me once “And why can’t you do that?” I realized, then, that it would never be enough, and I would literally die trying.
I got out of the hospital and for a little while things were worse. I wasn’t trying to lose weight, but I was so obsessive and afraid of gaining that I did lose weight, and I was close to relapsing. I realized I didn’t want to live my life in and out of the hospital. I didn’t want to live my life still holding on to some of my eating disorder, because that isn’t really living. I struggled for a while. I started a constant cycle of gaining and losing weight in leaps and bounds. I was so ashamed of myself.
Now I am settled in my current size, and I am happy with it! It took me until the end of my freshman year of college to accept my body. I eat healthy now. I exercise not because I “have to” but because I want to. I am just the kind of girl that is meant to have curves and a womanly body, and I finally accept and embrace it. Food is no longer my obsession. I can use time now focusing on helping other people, studying, and actually going out and having fun doing what I love with my friends. I accept and even embrace my body they way it is now. It is healthy, and I am thankful for that. I am done dying to try to be what other people might think is beautiful. I can be happy with the way I am; that is all that matters. I have something now I never had before: confidence and true happiness–and I am LIVING!
Crystal Renn is the leading plus size model in America, and she wrote a book called Hungry. It was a huge inspiration to me. She used to be anorexic, but now she is a size XX and has graced several international covers of Vogue and has done countless high fashion ads, including my personal favorite Dolce & Gabbana.
She has a quote in her book that I especially love: “I’m proof that life doesn’t have to wait until you’re skinny!”