But Darling Please – A Poem

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By: Izii Jane Taylor

Oh beautiful girl

The devil in your mind

Has taken you away

Reminding you of each bite, you didn’t eat yesterday

 

The days have become meaningless

One tiresome, ongoing, groundhog day.

That may be their rock bottom, but darling..

Yours may not look the same

The external may be different to the one beside you

…But inside, the feelings and thoughts are all one game

 

Oh beautiful girl

The damage this disease brings

It’s not your fault my darling

I don’t blame you that you don’t see

Because when you are in it

It’s all consuming,

Everyone else is lying

Except that screaming voice inside your head

Telling you would be better off dead.

 

But the thing is..

….You have dissappeared

Your mind is not present

..And your body is fading..

But darling the thing is…

….This may go on for months or even years.

 

The sad part is

Some won’t take you seriously

They fail to see

Its not just the body, the weight, the numbers

Its the mind, the behaviors, the thoughts..that not everybody see’s

But darling, please. Not everyone will understand, and nor do they have to.

 

And this crossroad remains

With only two directions

Death

or

Life

 

Some don’t make it

Some survive

Others are unaware

Others don’t care

…But many do thrive, when they are given a hand to hold, a footprint to follow and a step to take towards life.

 

Recovery, what the hell was that

wasn’t something I wanted..

…deserved.

…I wasn’t thin enough

…I wasn’t ill enough

My life, my company. Together all the time, stood there right beside, destroying my mind. It was the abuser that I could not leave. But ‘I’m Fine’.

 

But I failed to see, the hurt the pain, the fear….and utter helplessness of my family around me.

..they had to watch their own creation, fall apart.

Stealing tiny pieces of their heart

I didn’t understand, I pushed them away,

My games couldn’t be saved for another day

 

That was the moment of feeling complete helplessness. As you faded..

The life sucked right out of you

…another grueling night

 

But darling, I won’t wish that you sleep tight

Because you have the power, in every hour

To fight

And darling you have so much potential

Please don’t leave it to late

 

One day, I hope you will find

The danger of staying tightly closed

Is more painful, more scary

Than the danger it may take to bloom.

 

I know you won’t believe me when I say

The world would be worse off, without you there each day.

It’s hard to hear anything beyond that mind but..

….Tell the little child inside

She’s not alone, she doesn’t have to hide.

 

There is no guarantee that this will ever be easy

It’s a process, a journey

 

If not now for you, then try for me, for him, for her..

…There may be bad days…

But before it was months or years.

 

And for those who believe there is no-one who cares..

..or there is no point..

it’s hard to find the words

Many of us know those intense, crippling feelings, that always seem to be there.

But I promise, I will always care

 

…Please, I pray, give yourself a chance. I’ll be here, that part of life is better to leave behind

There are so many ways that you can shine

 

And try to be a little less harsh to yourself my darling, for we are all imperfect.

In this whirlwind of beautiful pain.

 

Scatter your blossom

Let your heart run free

 

..And sprinkle the air with the uniqueness of you


About the Author: I’m Izii Jane Taylor. I first came into recovery from anorexia when i was 17. I went through three rehabilitations and they helped saved my life. I am studying addiction psychology at university and I really hope to help those struggling with addiction of any kind to find their voice to fight. I hope to give back the help I have received. Everyone with mental health struggles have beautiful souls. Sometimes we all just need a little help to see a glimmer of light, and a splash of hope and love. For someone to say I understand, you are not alone, you matter. For someone to love you until you can love yourself (and of course after that too!) Looking back my greatest achievement is continuing to live when I wanted to die. I think this is everyone’s greatest achievement. Just facing one more day. One more moment Putting one foot infront of the other and deciding for that second to stay.

This post originally appeared on rainbowedsoul.blogspot.co.uk

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