By: Izii Jane Taylor
Oh beautiful girl
The devil in your mind
Has taken you away
Reminding you of each bite, you didn’t eat yesterday
The days have become meaningless
One tiresome, ongoing, groundhog day.
That may be their rock bottom, but darling..
Yours may not look the same
The external may be different to the one beside you
…But inside, the feelings and thoughts are all one game
Oh beautiful girl
The damage this disease brings
It’s not your fault my darling
I don’t blame you that you don’t see
Because when you are in it
It’s all consuming,
Everyone else is lying
Except that screaming voice inside your head
Telling you would be better off dead.
But the thing is..
….You have dissappeared
Your mind is not present
..And your body is fading..
But darling the thing is…
….This may go on for months or even years.
The sad part is
Some won’t take you seriously
They fail to see
Its not just the body, the weight, the numbers
Its the mind, the behaviors, the thoughts..that not everybody see’s
But darling, please. Not everyone will understand, and nor do they have to.
And this crossroad remains
With only two directions
Some don’t make it
Others are unaware
Others don’t care
…But many do thrive, when they are given a hand to hold, a footprint to follow and a step to take towards life.
Recovery, what the hell was that
wasn’t something I wanted..
…I wasn’t thin enough
…I wasn’t ill enough
My life, my company. Together all the time, stood there right beside, destroying my mind. It was the abuser that I could not leave. But ‘I’m Fine’.
But I failed to see, the hurt the pain, the fear….and utter helplessness of my family around me.
..they had to watch their own creation, fall apart.
Stealing tiny pieces of their heart
I didn’t understand, I pushed them away,
My games couldn’t be saved for another day
That was the moment of feeling complete helplessness. As you faded..
The life sucked right out of you
…another grueling night
But darling, I won’t wish that you sleep tight
Because you have the power, in every hour
And darling you have so much potential
Please don’t leave it to late
One day, I hope you will find
The danger of staying tightly closed
Is more painful, more scary
Than the danger it may take to bloom.
I know you won’t believe me when I say
The world would be worse off, without you there each day.
It’s hard to hear anything beyond that mind but..
….Tell the little child inside
She’s not alone, she doesn’t have to hide.
There is no guarantee that this will ever be easy
It’s a process, a journey
If not now for you, then try for me, for him, for her..
…There may be bad days…
But before it was months or years.
And for those who believe there is no-one who cares..
..or there is no point..
it’s hard to find the words
Many of us know those intense, crippling feelings, that always seem to be there.
But I promise, I will always care
…Please, I pray, give yourself a chance. I’ll be here, that part of life is better to leave behind
There are so many ways that you can shine
And try to be a little less harsh to yourself my darling, for we are all imperfect.
In this whirlwind of beautiful pain.
Scatter your blossom
Let your heart run free
..And sprinkle the air with the uniqueness of you
About the Author: I’m Izii Jane Taylor. I first came into recovery from anorexia when i was 17. I went through three rehabilitations and they helped saved my life. I am studying addiction psychology at university and I really hope to help those struggling with addiction of any kind to find their voice to fight. I hope to give back the help I have received. Everyone with mental health struggles have beautiful souls. Sometimes we all just need a little help to see a glimmer of light, and a splash of hope and love. For someone to say I understand, you are not alone, you matter. For someone to love you until you can love yourself (and of course after that too!) Looking back my greatest achievement is continuing to live when I wanted to die. I think this is everyone’s greatest achievement. Just facing one more day. One more moment Putting one foot infront of the other and deciding for that second to stay.
This post originally appeared on rainbowedsoul.blogspot.co.uk