This blog post is written by our new Blog Manager, Emily Costa!
This past January I rang in the New Year and then spent 5 months in treatment beginning what I like to call my journey within. Although my weeks there were far from a walk in the park, my time spent there meant the world to me. Looking back I realize I now feel so differently than I ever have in my entire life. Prior to getting to treatment, waking up in the morning felt like a never-ending nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I was emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted due to the eating disorder that took over my life. I was miserable and living a life filled of shame and pain. The most awful feeling in the world was wanting to call my body home but never having the strength to. I dreaded each day knowing I would have to deal with the tiring dialogue and war happening inside my head.
What is so special and rewarding about spending time focusing on my recovery is that I’ve regained my life back. I realize now that there is not enough time for hating myself. There are too many places to go, to see and people to meet. There are too many things to make. It’s time for me to go live my life. A vibrant beautiful life – filled with joy and sometimes sadness. I realize now that there is nothing more important than being happy and healthy. I realize now that there is nothing more precious than learning to embrace the skin and body I live in.
I now wake up excited about life and it reminds me how beautiful this process is. I am becoming the truest version of myself the one I had been looking for, for so many years. I can look in a mirror now and recognize that I am so much more than just my outward appearance and accomplishments. I am a beautiful girl with likes and dislikes, with opinions and feelings. Who I am is never going to be reflected on my outer appearance. Who I am is never going to be dependent of the number on a scale.
One of the most important things I’ve learned in treatment is that I am a combination of what I love rather than what I hate in the mirror. For the first time in my life I am loving my body more and more everyday. I am able to accept love and accept compliments for the first time. I have never felt more honest and true to myself and I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to learn how to do that. I can finally say I deeply and completely love and accept myself. The time spent away was worth every tear shed and every uncomfortable feeling I have had to sit through.
I am becoming Emily for the first time and I am using my voice once and for all. At the end of the day I am also grateful for my eating disorder because it helped me sit through the unspeakable. Even though the comfort of my eating disorder came with a heavy price, I am able to recognize how much I have learned from this illness. I can say now that I deserve more than dedicating my life’s work to losing weight. I feel no shame now for having used my eating disorder to cope with my life, because it doesn’t make me a bad person – my presence still can light up a room.
I hope you never forget that recovery is possible. You are worth living a life in freedom!