Megan is a 27 year old Texan born and raised, but currently residing in GA with her husband. Megan has been anorexic since she was very young and her dream is to finish her degree in psychology and become an advocate against eating disorders one day. She loves hanging out with her 3 fur babies and her wonderful husband, going on walks, coloring, and blogging. Her biggest wish is for no one to give up, ever!
I’ve been cheating on my husband. Now, before you make judgments, its not what you think. I’m cheating on him with someone named ED. He’s my eating disorder, and even though ED is still who I am, I like to separate my ED thoughts and my healthy thoughts, so I make it into another person. It helps keep me sane sometimes because I can’t always tell which thought is “real” and what isn’t. I’m anorexic. No, I’m not asking for sympathy, no I’m not saying I think everyone around me is heavy or fat and I hate them for it. My body image is totally distorted in my eyes.
Most people don’t know or understand how eating disorder patients think or why they are even afraid to just be around food. Its hard for me to put into words what my thoughts are throughout the day and about every situation I face. I’ve been reading some things recently and its amazing to see that other people feel the same as me and it helps me realize my own emotions and helps me phrase my own thoughts. One thing that stood out to me the most was, “Imagine having to face your very worst fear everyday. That’s what people with eating disorders do every day.” I have to face my worse fear everyday, and I hate it. I hate fighting with myself as to why I should or shouldn’t eat my meal or just even a single bite of something. Each bite is torture for me and even after your done eating the anxiety doesn’t go away because you know there is another meal coming. Even at the last meal of the day, all you think about is “I have to go through this again tomorrow. How am I going to be able to keep fighting?” It is a constant battle in your head. It never leaves your thoughts. That’s why I wrote “I’ve been cheating on my husband.” It took me awhile to realize, but I am in a relationship with ED. Its all I think about and its all I surround my life around.
There are times I don’t want to admit I’m sick because I don’t want ED to leave. I don’t want to admit I’m not perfect. I strive to be perfect in everything I do. I realize its exhausting, extremely exhausting, but if I’m not perfect then who am I? Real hard thing to face . I had one therapist ask me, “Who are you?” and it surprised me so much to not be able to answer him. I felt stupid, I felt scared, I felt vulnerable. How could I not know who I was? I’m 26 years old, and I have no idea who I am? At that point, I felt like I failed myself again. I wasn’t perfect because I had no idea who I was/am. (See the vicious cycle?)
The thing about anorexia, or any other eating disorder in that matter, is that its not really about food or weight (even though it is a true fear). It has to do with things in their life and stuff that’s happened in their past and its a way they learned how to cope with it, it was they only way they knew how. I’ve been battling with anorexia since I was about 9. It’s been a long time, and it will be something that I will battle for the rest of my life I think. It would be great if ED just disappeared completely lol but I acknowledge that ED’s voices might not ever fully leave, but I will be strong enough at that point to tell him to shut up.
I am so lucky to have married my husband. He has gone above and beyond helping me through this very difficult journey. This has helped to give me the strength to stay in recovery and never stop until I can be monogamous with my husband again. This is the reason I will never give up!